(404): Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past.
Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
(651): saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob…thank you for the valiant effort.
(804): Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
(973): I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
(479): Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into “I’m too high for this date” he kept talking about trucks and I couldn’t stop making racial slurs
(505): Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower
(706): It’s like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
(201): He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming “senor cuervo” for doing me dirty.
(780): Hey,’thunder cock’ as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
(904): Champagne is a vitamin, right?
(281): i feel like this needs to be a ‘lose some teeth’ kind of weekend.
(619): Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck